Contamination thoughts

[creative_writer]

I am struggling to shake off these contamination thoughts and I can't help but feel gross. I've already taken a shower but still feel dirty 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @creative_writer I hear that feeling would be pretty uncomfortable to sit with

Has there been anything that's helped in the past when you've felt this way? Something that helped you to take the mind off the thought, or to make sitting with this feeling a bit more manageable? 

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee visual internal cleaning isn’t helping, so I’m not sure what to do. I feel too disgusting and dirty to ever feel worthy of love

[creative_writer]

The urges to self harm are so strong. Maybe it’ll keep me safe from doing worse things. I don’t know how much longer I can resist

[rav3n]

Hey @creative_writer i'm so sorry you feel this way, those are some heavy feelings to sit with. 

You are so worthy of love, even though you brain might be telling you otherwise, those thoughts don't reflect your worthiness. Your thoughts are not facts or truth, they're simply little statements that we put value into - and you have the power to categorise them - it might not be as easy to do now, which is totally okay - i'm sitting with you regardless 💗

is there anyone you can talk to right now, anyone at home? are you feeling safe at the moment?

[rav3n]

also wanted to encourage you to please reach out to these services tonight: 

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

i know you've mentioned its hard to reach out especially when you need it most, and i just wanted to remind you that you don't deserve to go through this alone. we care about you and want to make sure you're heard and supported. you are NEVER a burden for reaching out 💗

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I find it very hard to reach out to family when I’m struggling. I’ve stayed safe so far, in terms of SI I think I’ll be okay. It’s more self harm thoughts. Though I know if I let myself relapse it’ll be hard to stop. The thoughts have become louder again. I thought the agitation was settling, but it appears to have gotten worse again. The excess energy during depressive period is very hard to sit with. It’s strange how the brain can experience two polar mood states at once

[rav3n]

i hear you, that excess energy can definitely be difficult to sit with at times @creative_writer 

i wonder if journaling or even writing poems would help you right now? it could perhaps give you something to focus on other than SH. 

staying safe is super important, we can perhaps brainstorm some more strategies together? 

i'm also wondering - who are you most comfortable/close with in your family?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n poetry can help, that is if I am able to produce verse right now.

Usually discussing self harm doesn’t go well with my parents so I avoid it. I would say I’m close to my family, I just prefer not to talk about self harm or suicide with them.

I’ve just taken my meds, so hopefully not too long till I’m too drowsy to do anything destructive. I would’ve taken a PRN on top of my regular meds, but I have an early start with uni tomorrow

[rav3n]

@creative_writer that's so fair!

i feel you, discussing that sort of stuff doesn't go too well with my family either so i usually say something like 'i'm having a really really bad day right now and i could use some encouragement' or something similar to that instead - that way its more focus on what i need from them rather than having a rough convo about SH/SI.

but i totally get if talking to family isn't an option, we can dive into other support options when you're feeling up for it!

hopefully getting sleep well helps and hope uni goes well for you tomorrow 💗