What am I supposed to do

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member you aren't the worst. I'm not putting up with you, I chose to respond to this thread coz i care. I understand that sometimes our stuff/problems are soo huge that it's all we see and have capacity for. And geez you are so tired, don't worry about it. 

I thank you for asking tho, im not too bad today. I'm slowly pulling myself back together after my wobbly start to the year. I'm trying to focus on myself and creativity. 

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member i just saw the second post. 

That sucks so much. I'm sorry you have to go through that. Have the drs offered an option of having medication but with limited access to it, ie, weekly pick ups, Webster packs, or some form of that. 

It sounds so debilitating. I'm not sure what I can do to help. I haven't had panic attacks for a long time. I can barely rember what they feel like  I'm sorry I'm not much help. 

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur thankyou. I'm just sick of letting everyone down and being such a burden. 

I hope your year continues to get better for you, keep being you and your creativity is amazing. 

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur it was offered ages ago before any of this started but I just don't have the trust in myself at all. 

I wouldn't wish these panic attacks on anyone, it's completely debilitating. I'm glad you haven't had them for a long time cos they aren't nice. 

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member is there ways you can build some trust in yourself? 

Are you still in hospital? 

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur I've tried but even now when I take one of the medications that I abused previously i constantly worry that I've taken too much so I check over and over again. When I take it now it has massive side effects in how it makes me feel, I get dizzy, feel sick and feel like I'm not here. So I try not to take it too often but sometimes the pain just gets too much and it's the only thing that works for me. 

I'm not in hospital anymore, even they got sick of having to deal with me. 

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member urgh those side effects sound horrible. Did they say if the side effects were long term or temporary, some meds have them initially but improve with time. 

Hm I'm not sure how to help, I don't want to be pushy with meds. I understand why that can be a hard topic, especially with the events of new year being so raw. 

Do you do anything to take you mind of things?

I find writing and art really helpful, not necessarily to ground me, but to clear my mind and let it drift away from painful memories and feelings. 

I also love playing games, video games take me to another world and I forget about mine for a bit. I also love playing board games with my friends or support workers. It reminds me that despite all the shit in the world that we can still laugh and have fun. 

Little bit of self care actually help. It's not as cliche as it seems. 

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur it's been 3 years since and I still have the same symptoms when I take it, I didn't take it for a good year after before I finally started taking it again. But it just scares me now that I'm back to taking it regularly and I feel that's a huge warning sign for me. Like one box used to last me 6 months or more now it's only lasting me about 2 weeks. 

I try to distract myself but nothing is working anymore. Yesterday I did some colouring, I wish I could play board games but I don't have any friends. I do a whole heap of different things but I struggle to focus so I bounce from one activity to the next. 

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member hmm. Do you have a regular routine or do any regular activities? 

For me my schedule is important. I don't work or study at the moment, but I keep busy in other ways. I'm taking a break from therapies this January and it left me feeling anxious, not because I'm not doing therapy but because I'm not sure what to do with my time. I needed the break but I need to find something to fill in the gaps. 

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur i don't really have a routine. My days are just filled with being hurt by others, panic attacks, thoughts and urges that I often lose control and give into and just trying to make it through each day. 

I'm not living anymore, I'm merely just existing and I've had enough of doing that. I don't see what the point is anymore when I'm not wanted or needed.