Lived Experience Forum

[Alice10]

I’ve just decided tonight to break up with my partner. He changes within seconds and has a problem with alcohol. He frequently calls me terrible names, and I have been in “this place” with him over and over since we met over two years ago. I never even knew what gaslighting was, and I’m a very strong and smart person, but now I know two things.. 1. That everyone has the right not to have to be strong 24/7 because of what’s happening. 2. What’s happening is wrong. And actually 3. Just because he has good points and has had an abusive childhood, doesn’t mean I have to be with him and put up with things.

I joined this forum tonight because it’s late and I couldn’t go to sleep without “using my voice” in a positive way before resting. I feel like I’ve got a huge unknown mountain to climb now (tomorrow, etc) as whenever I mention breaking up he becomes abusive, but I have made a plan for tomorrow which involves gathering some support. Any brief words of support are welcome..

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @Alice10 . Abuse and gaslighting is never OK, and I'm sorry to hear you've been suffering it. 

Prioritising yourself is good, well done.

You might find some support at https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You can type anything into the Search bar above to find threads on that topic. Also, a handy forum tip to tag someone is to type @ and then click on their name in the drop-down box - that way they'll get a notification that you've replied to them.

I hope you find the forums supportive... 

[Glisten]

@Alice10  Every woman, Everywhere, all the time, deserves to be safe. 
Coercive control is abuse.

I stayed in an abusive relationship 12 years too long.

Have you got support? Speak to your bank manager it is amazing what they can do.

If you can speak to police, in person and tell them your plan to leave, they can be helpful.

Please update us when you can.

My heart goes out to you.

G

[Alice10]

Hi @Glisten 

Sounds like you've had an enormous journey yourself. ❤️ It's so sad when something ends, the grief is not a reflection of how good or bad it was..

I am feeling very sad because this person is just a very damaged soul, but abuse is still abuse. I see the light in him, but I don't think he sees mine, so that's a deal breaker. I've told him I'm thinking of leaving and he was calm and said he doesn't want to hold me back or stop me from having what I want. I do, however think he's not battling against me leaving this time because on some level he knows it's necessary. So things are progressing. Thank you very much for your time, advice and kindness. Alice10.

[Alice10]

Thank you very much

[Appleblossom]

Take care @Alice10 

I was in abusive marriage for 16 years.

self care self care self care 

[scruffypuffball]

@Appleblossom @Glisten @NatureLover 

@Alice10survived 20 year abusive relationship.  When the behaviour changes at the flip of a switch, that is one symptom of an abuser.  The times when they are "normal" are temporary, they always return to their baseline abusive state. 

The other is the intermittent reinforcement (ie hot and cold behaviour, like when you said he was nice sometimes, then abusive.)  That is another red flag. Normal healthy people have consistent behavior not behavior that is inconsistent and leaves the victim confused and disoriented.  That is not love that is abuse.

Also, his trauma is not the reason he abuses.  Abuse is a choice.  Lots of people suffer from trauma and they do not abuse.  Same with addiction.  Even if he was not an addict, he would still be abusive. 

Go to the Toolshed and look at my contributions for more information.

https://arcvic.saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/The-Toolshed/td-p/1351491

https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/03/narcissists-use-trauma-bonding-and-inter...

Furthermore, personality is a factor in relation to addiction rather than trauma, see following study:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6757332/

it is good you are getting support and preparing to leave.  call 1800 respect they can help you.

[Glisten]

@scruffypuffball  you explained that very nicely and clearly.

G

[Alice10]

Thank you @Appleblossom for your heartfelt words. 💕 I honour your courage and pray for everyone in this situation. I really appreciate you commenting and you know, I read something on FB today about how our female ancestors are with us, urging me to stay true to myself. So many women have trodden this path before us. Thank you again. Your kindness was lovely and you are a wonderful person 💕

[tyme]

Hey @Alice10 ,

We are sitting with you. We recognise how hard it may be for you right now, but know that you are not alone. 

We see your strength in taking a stand to protect yourself. It sends a strong message to the abuser and those who think they can get away with hurting others.

Please reach out if you need anything.

We are here for you.