It's good to know when to stop with sucky and dark, twisty Covid stuff @CheerBear . Look at you with all that self care stuff going on 😜😘. 

S4 g probably has only stayed here one night for the whole year. We get along well but her home is quite different from this one with much more space and less clutter, and she is in the final rundown to finishing her degree. She has her last placement now so life is busy for her. 

i hope I ok to wait until Monday for psych. It feels doable still. I wrote her a letter yesterday which she read and then talked by phone about. I was really glad that we got to talk about it not face to face. I cried lots on the phone. She didn't see this coming which was part of the difficulty for me. I think in a way it had been building for a while. In my head I was screaming wanting her to know I was not ok and that I wasn't doing as well as she thought I was. It was during/after that appointment that I broke again. I got through but only using unhelpful coping strategies. It was fueled by messy hormones and fighting urges whilst being home alone was trickier. I think there's a small bit of hope that we can find a way forward again. I was feeling lots of big scary abandonment feelings because I thought if I wasn't doing better or said the wrong thing she'd leave me. I can't go back to that place again. 

Much of my dark twisty stuff is really about feeling completely defeated. I'm not achieving anything I set out to do. I've curled up in a ball and given up. I'm not sure what it will take to uncurl and really try again. I guess Monday is the Hope day for that. 

how many days a week are you working? It sounds really busy and challenging. Are you doing ok with it?