Cast your eyes away from the shore. Don’t let the waves of memories pull you out to sea to drown. I know it hurts. I know its hard. You are strong however. You have weathered worse storms. You have even pulled through the dead calm days where there is no wind to fill a sail.
Life has a way of rocking the boat. Tipping you, tossing you about. Even though we are the captain of our ship, we are subject to the weather to get us through the journey and to arrive at destination unscathed.
I’ll stop with all the boat and sea references. You get the picture. I like writing, I like getting caught in the words and stories. I had some bad news today. the words felt like a big wave that crashed upon me and pulled me to a place I haven’t been for a while. Communicating has been extra difficult since I got the news, so writing things is easier at the moment. I like poetry and imagery so writing that way is also easier.
Trauma is hard, no matter how things have been, it hurts. And when it is already a little stormy it can sweep you off your feet. The memories want to stay hiding but they cant, Or is it that I want them to hide, and they cant go back in the box. Anyway they are here and it sucks. They are swallowing me slowly. I cant push them away, because an ocean isn’t like that, the tide of memories that the news brought keeps rising and I cant move.
Pop, my dads dad, had a stroke, a bad one. Should I be sad, I don’t know. Should I feel less guilty, I don’t know. I am ashamed. He cant talk, they don’t know if he will be able to again. Its like I am finding my voice and taking his, which is opposite of how things used to be. I have rarely mentioned him or his behaviours to another person. My family especially know nothing.
Last time I saw my pop I hated him so much. I had so much fear and dread around him. I didn’t hug him when I said goodbye to the family. I haven’t seen him for a few years now. It is unlikely I will see him again.
Working in age care like I did when I was young scares you regarding strokes, you know the prognosis. I don’t know what nan would do. She cant look after herself. I see both of them ending in care.
Questions plage me about the future of my family. I don’t know if worrying about it is ok or a problem because preparing for future scenarios makes sense to me. but I cant read the future.
Look away from the shore. Turn your attention to the sky, the sun is set now, stars shine. No point in thinking about what will happen tomorrow, rest and know the stars will guide you and heal you.
