(not actually) Coping with things.

[The-red-centaur]

Urghhh. Things feel really hard at the moment. 

I spent the weekend in the emergency department on forms. I was sent home when the consultant came and saw me today because there were no beds and as I hurt myself in the ED the day before couldn't guarantee my safety so there 

 was no point in me being there. 

I cried to my psychologist when I go home as I couldn't get into the house and broke down about how I planned to end my life. I then was talked down until I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. The plan was to get admitted but there's no beds anywhere across the city. So yet again I was sent home. 

Now I'm home. I don't know what to do. There were supposed to have another carer on for me this evening but they've just been in the office all shift. I feel hopeless and overwhelmed.  

My psych team told me not to go back to ed because of the strain on the ed system at the moment. 

So where does that leave me. Idk. I'm safe enough for now.i think.  But idk. My psychiatrist gave me some extra meds. The plan is to wait until a bed becomes available. I feel in limbo.. 

Maybe the chat here will help. I just want a space where I can be heard and not judged. A place to feel safety and warmth. A space where people get it. 

Thanks for listening to my rant about my day. I'm exhausted. 

[Dimity]

Sounds hard @The-red-centaur . Sending love. Is anyone else at home with you?

[The-red-centaur]

@Dimity the carers are in the office. He just checked on me, saw I was on my phone and left. 

[Former-Member]

So sorry to hear about your weekend and how you’re feeling tonight @The-red-centaur. It sounds like you are supporting yourself through a lot right now. No wonder you are feeling exhausted.

It’s so hard to feel in limbo, waiting for support you need to become available. Please keep sharing here, there’s no judgement and there’s always someone to listen 💛

[The-red-centaur]

@Former-Member thank you. 

On Friday I started my autism assessment with my new psyhcologist and it sent me spiralling after already being pretty upset. 

My life is chaos. Having so much going on I don't know where to start. I don't know how to mamanage day to day life on the best of days. But I have some major life triggeres happening. And tbh I'm suicidal. Im Safe but not wishing I was. 

I'm waiting for my meds to help me get some sleep.

I want to give my mum a call. But that scares me. 

[Former-Member]

The autism assessment sounds hard but also like a proactive step that you’re taking with your mental health, so well done for getting it started.

It sounds like giving your mum a call is not an easy or simple thing, but something that you want to do. It might not be the time to explore, as I understand you’re feeling exhausted, but I’m wondering why it is scary and if it is a call that you would need to make when you are feeling emotionally strong…?

I hope the meds help - I imagine sleep is just what you need right now.

[Dimity]

I hope the meds help you settle @The-red-centaur and you sleep well. I understand having mixed feelings about calling your mum. Sometimes it's  a risk, sometimes it's just our own fears, especially if there've been other triggers. Hope it works out.

Take care. My prn is kicking in so I'll say good night.

[The-red-centaur]

@Dimitythank you. I hope you sleep well.

@Former-Member there's some trauma history with my mum. But my step father is Terminal and I wanted to check up on them considering I didn't all weekend and he has very little time left. They also live in Europe so I can't just call in the morning. 

[Former-Member]

Sorry to hear about your step father; and the history with your mum. 

[Former-Member]

I'm logging off and heading to bed too.

Night @The-red-centaur, I hope you get some well-deserved rest.

Night @Dimity