Wondering why I'm fighting

[dehaha]

Hi everyone.  

Just needing to have a bit of a pity party and a rant/vent.

Very basic history:

Diagnosed with Clinical Depression,  Chronic Anxiety,  CPTSD and Panic disorder 25 years ago. Been hospitalised 4 times for my own safety. Always bounced back to a manageable state with in 4-6 months. Obviously I  had rough times between hospitalisations but for the most part, I have been able to drive, work, etc. 

In 25 years , I have been offered medication ( which i take daily still ) and 6 weeks of psychology for CBT.  After hospital,  I am usually just given a med increase and sent home.

About 16 months ago, I  started to crash which lead to a 6 day hospital stay last January. 

After that stay, I was sent home ( I live in share housing with strangers and have no friends or support people) with the usual med increase and the offer of a service called Hospital to Home. I was very relieved at the idea of a support service and the lady who came to see me was a lovely person.  However,  the service they offer is about getting you back out into the community ( I've become agraphobic over the last 2 years ). Fantastic service but when I couldn't eat, shower, drive, function,  it was of no use to me. I couldn't even function let alone get out for sports etc.

A month after discharge,  my GP decided that it was due to Menopause so put me on HRT. After 4 months with no improvement,  he decided that it's all of my CPTSD  screaming to be dealt with so he suggested talk therapy with the psychologist I talk to fortnightly. 

He may be right, however the psych and I are still working on daily issues such as being able to get out for groceries etc.

Here is my conundrum.  I need to be more stable to be able to tackle what is making me unstable.  

I have been as proactive as I can manage.  I order books,  I do BlueKnot seminars,  I  do my breathing and grounding constantly.  I try to use positive affirmations. I do the exercises on moodgym. I journal.  I chat on here when I am able. I am learning about my windows of tolerance. I call help lines.

I am getting no where fast. Currently in the grip of a panic attack.  At this point, I'm not even surviving let alone living.  I don't know from one day to the next if I'm going to be able to eat, cook, drive..... function. 

I am starting to wonder why am I battling.  I get no where, spend the majority of my life in my room and am starting to feel worn out with the daily battle. 

I am on a wait list for DBT from the Acute care team. Not sure how long the wait will be because I have to wait for an online course as I struggle so much to leave the house.

Anyway, I  just needed to upload.  I am so extremely grateful to everyone in the forums for how they support each other.  This is the only support system I have and it means a lot to me.  Thanks for listening to me yet again. 

[Till23]

Hi @dehaha 

I’m really sorry to hear about your struggles.

 I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you are surviving, you are obviously very resilient to deal with multiple difficulties over a long period of time.

Have you been referred to community mental health team?

It sounds like you’ve been very proactive in trying to understand and manage your illnesses.

I also have attended some of the Blue Knot seminars. They are sometimes good for understanding the effects of trauma. I have attended some of the NICABM seminars when they are free. Otherwise they are quite expensive. It’s in the US, so need to attend during our night/early morning.

 Is it possible to increase the frequency of your psychologist to weekly?

You are obviously a very capable person as you’ve reached out to many services. Have you tried different medications as some people get better responses than others from different medications.

 I don’t have agoraphobia, so can’t offer any advice there. Except clearly you have made headway with that if you’ve managed to go shopping.

Perhaps now is not the time to look too far ahead and just concentrate on the now and possibly include some mindfulness.

Are you able to get out and experience nature? That might sound like a silly question but I suppose it depends on your agoraphobia, if it is more around being among people. I know that I sometimes would rather not be around people but I’m ok to drive myself to a bush area and just notice the things in nature, like sound of wind in trees or birds, the smell of the eucalypts, watching the bees, birds, dragonflies etc, feeling the texture of the plants etc.

 I see you also commenting and supporting other people (including me) on the forums, so you are contributing to this community and we value your input 

[Dimity]

Hello @dehaha 

I don't really have any advice but wanted to say I can hear how hard it is . Last year I also started trying to deal with long-standing cptsd but got sidetracked by current issues... which no doubt were exacerbated by the cptsd so it's a vicious circle in some ways.

Anyway I hope today's a better day for you. Does your agoraphobia allow you to get out for a walk? 

[dehaha]

Thank you @Till23 @Dimity . I appreciate the support and advice. I'm not really up to responding right now but I am safe.

Have a great day 💗