Oscillation between two mind sets

[PizzaMondo]

I hear you @creative_writer - a repeat of history is definitely not something we want to experience, as you said, your heart has been through enough. I am wondering before you head back to distracting yourself with study, if you have the capacity to do something creative to remove some of those thoughts in your head before you buckle down into study? Music? Crafts?

P.S. I also agree with you @Former-Member - I like what you said about making sure we are safe, and developing that internal sense of safety too. I know my brain is the one who can sometimes interrupt and create that lack of safety, so I have to gain control and assure it that I am in control and I am safe... sure likes to tell me lies somedays 😛

[PizzaMondo]

Hello @Former-Member 🙂

My absolute pleasure - I am so glad to hear (read :P) that you were able to connect with something I wrote! I also was able to connect with your previous post 😛

[Former-Member]

Hey @creative_writer  and @PizzaMondo  🙂

I hope you dont mind Im jumping in here?

I wondered if doing some courses online that are helpful for emotional wellbeing might be useful for you Creative_Writer, to get into a bit better headspace in preparation for a return to study? That is, if youre interested in that kind of thing, and have access (a computer, phone, earbuds, privacy)... The reason I thought Id mention it is because before I got back into study at uni I did a few courses that were available on managing emotions, regulating, and learning to 'feel' my window of tolerance. The classes were really sympathetic, and I found they were helpful in doing some inner self prep for the rigours of uni demands.

I hope you dont mind I mention it - all in the hope of providing you with choice and options 🙂 

[Former-Member]

Yes, I think that the 'constant-alert' feeling or just below this is, what can then lead to worrying about things that aren't yet showing any evidence of happening, @PizzaMondo  and @creative_writer , and having the ability to take a gentle step back to check in with oneself is a very valuable tool to have in the regulation/recovery internal toolkit 🙂 💜

I hope this is helpful for you Creative_Writer 🙂 

Go gently today, and know we are here for you 🌺

[creative_writer]

@PizzaMondo I think sometimes it can be hard to differentiate between flashback and reality, it can leave you really confused and disorientated. I've been studying in broken bits right now, only managed 150 words so far today, I am going very slowly. I'll probably have lunch soon.

@Former-Member never considered that, might look into courses for my uni. I probably need to do some grounding or something to bring myself back to the present, been heightened all day

[Former-Member]

Sorry @creative_writer  - I missed your post in my gleeful printing frenzy 😉🌺

Yeah that sense of internal safety is truly a cornerstone to managing anxiety levels and I also think on how we can recover in terms of when heightened by perceived risk or worry about the future/uncertainly of some kind. 
I also agree that without a sense of internal safety it’s more difficult to feel safe around others - I do remember feeling that way in the past too 💜🌺
You have us supporting you, so hopefully there’s a building sense of safety (or the potential to do so) amongst the forums here 🙂🌺🤗

[Former-Member]

No worries @creative_writer 🌺🙂 I hope it’s helpful 

I’m not sure if this helps, but I tend to stand up and do some modified muscle relaxation..rolling shoulders, turning and nodding head slowly, elbow bends, wrist gentle shaking, and sway from one foot to the other, feeling weight shift through each leg, alternate knee bends (heel towards back), and alternate leg standing with ankle rotations, and this tends to bring my awareness back to body, like a little reconnecting reset. The entire time, I take a breath, and slowly release it while I do each movement. 
hope it’s a bit helpful 🙂🌺

[PizzaMondo]

@creative_writer yes, I agree with you, it can be hard to differentiate sometimes, especially when we have not healed from those past hurts too. Lunch is a good idea, have a little break, I just made a toastie and a cup of tea, have some chocolate biccies beside me now that I will dip in the tea 😛

I feel that some grounding will aid in your ability to also study (when you get back at it) without broken bits. Please prioritise self-care today - it's ok to go slow ❤️

[creative_writer]

@Former-Member and @PizzaMondo had lunch, had an appointment with my peer support worker (it was heavy). I spoke about how it was hard to talk about how my mum’s MH affected mine when growing up. It feels betrayal to bring it up in therapy. My psych has met my mum. Although my psych knows my mum has struggled with MH, she doesn’t know the extend and how much it’s affected me. I spoke about how exhausting it is to be strong for other people. I have triggered my mum with my issues and then I got the blame. I’m the oldest child, so I naturally carry more weight. I’ve also struggled with past SA intrusive thoughts a lot lately. It feels lonely, it’s considered so taboo to talk about, I feel guilty every time I do 🥺 because I was taught not to. I feel like nobody gets me, maybe it’s from not feeling heard and understood growing up. I feel like I end up with blank stares

[Former-Member]

One thing I am very impressed with and want to gently say I am very proud of is the discussion with your PSW...thats taking the steps to support yourself in having the meaningful discussions which can help, @creative_writer xx 🙂

Im sorry these thoughts are happening regarding past SA, that sounds really difficult, and distracting.. however, you aren't alone.. I myself and Im sure others here too, have been in places like where you are at, regarding those thoughts... the reason I mention it is so you can see we are a bunch of peeps who are here to hear and listen, and hold space, and give you that cushion that says "Im not alone" to land on 🙂 💜

hashtag noblankstares 😊