My special place

[Snowie]

Hi @NatureLover 

Thanks for caring. I took some extra prn last night so slept better. Has made me a bit drowsy today. I've made it to the couch at least. 

I have my kids at home so am safe at the moment. 

How are you going? Have you got any plans for today and tomorrow?

[NatureLover]

So glad to hear from you @Snowie  and that you slept better last night 💙

And that you are safe for now. 

When do the kids go out? And when does H come home? 

I am home now after going out to the pathology clinic this morning for my annual diabetes bloods tests and ECG. That's tough for me, so I'm pleased it's done now. Just got raking, housework and laundry on this weekend. Glad to stay home. 

[Snowie]

The kids are both working tonight @NatureLover so will be gone by about 4.

Hoping hubby will be home by about 6 at the latest.

Least it is done now hon, and hopefully you don't have to do it again any time soon. I'm sorry it is tough for you. Be proud of how brave you were.

I had my bloods and ecg done last week. Haven't heard anything back so assuming it all came back ok.

Sounds like you have got a few things to do to keep you busy. 

Have some family coming over tomorrow afternoon for dinner for mothers day. Would much rather just be by myself, but have to do something for my mum and MIL. Will be tiring just pretending like everything is ok. 

[Snowie]

Firstly just letting people know that I am safe at the moment. Just venting.

When do those protective factors be not be enough any more?

Yes I am lucky to have a supportive husband and two amazing children. Yes, in the past they are the reason why I continue. I have stopped myself for them.

Yet I despise when people tell me to think of my family, and how they would miss me. As if I am not already guilty enough. I know the impact I would have on them too. I know that I would be gone and the real pain would be placed on their shoulders. I know I am being extremely selfish.

But at what stage are they not enough. I'm at the point where those protective factors feel like they are not protecting me anymore.

The guilt, yes it is still there. The worry how they would cope, yes it is still there. The selfishness, yes it is still there.

So I ask myself, what is keeping me here. What is stopping me from following through with my plans.

Yes I want my life to mean something, I want to be remembered and not just for my MI, I want to live a life worth living. When is that not enough either?

So how do people stop themselves when they have reached their limit?

Once again sorry for the vent. No need to answer, just me getting some things out.

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Snowie, thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts with the community!

You have demonstrated your resilience and strength through your recovery and being able to acknowledge how you feel rn is amazing. Recovery is not linear and we can have ups and downs and it sounds like you are in a down at the moment. It's lovely that you find strength in your family and that is something to special that you have. Do you have a safety plan with your family in it that you can refer to when you are feeling like this?  

It is good to talk about your thoughts and feelings too when we are in the moment and reaching out for support when we need a little extra. I will pop some number down here, so they are handy for you:

Sane counsellors are available via phone, web chat or email from 10am to 8pm Monday to Friday

(AEST/AEDT). 1800 187 263  Counselling

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Lifeline Chat 

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or Beyond Blue Webchat

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or Online Counselling 

If in immediate danger: 000  www.triplezero.gov.au/triple-zero/How-to-Call-000

Thank you for letting us know that you are safe at the moment!

Take care

RiverSeal 

[Snowie]

Hi @RiverSeal 

Thanks for replying and for your support.

My safety plan does include my hubby and the kids in it.

It is something that I feel continues to evolve. Like anything, sometimes things work and other times they don't work. Sometimes I would just like to throw the whole thing out.

I have most of those numbers listed in my safety plan too but thank you for the reminder. They have come in handy lately.

[NatureLover]

Thanks for your kind words, @Snowie . 

I can hear that you're not OK at all. Those protective factors slipping are scary. I can empathise from past experience. 

I'm just wondering whether hospital is an option when those protective factors aren't working any more? I know how much you want to avoid hospital, so I know me saying that won't be welcome. I know what you want most of all at the moment, which is not to be alive any more, with the pain and suffering. I have been there often in my life. And I know the very thought of hospital must be beyond exhausting - just to fight the SI one more minute must be overwhelming. And hospital forces you to fight. 😣

I know you have a tough day ahead, with the dinner tonight with your mother, MIL and SIL and family. I'm thinking of you lots and sending wishes for strength for you to cope with it all. Much care and 💙

[Bow]

Happy Mother’s Day dear @Snowie  hope today is not too difficult and you can find some moments of joy 💕💐

[Captain24]

Hey @Snowie. Happy Mother’s Day. I hope today is kind to you 

[Snowie]

Thanks for the thoughts @Captain24 @Bow 

I hope both of your days go well too.