I don't know where else to be heard but I am tired

[Judymay]

Thanks @Jynx 

my brother came yesterday and I got so excited because none of my siblings have visited me since the accident and I thought this is it I have a piece of family for a moment anyway we had one outing and I realised my limitations in communication was a barrier and now he's girlfriend is flying in today because he said he's lonely and I just feel my feelings of unheard are cemented. Not to mention I haven't met this girl and in my new disability I'm vulnerable at home and having someone I don't know in the environment 24/7 is scary as people I know can't even cope. Anyway I'm just sad and disappointed that I let myself get excited for a minute. 

[Ru-bee]

@Judymay it sounds like your brother is not be all that in tune with your needs, which I hear is disappointing. Some people aren't very good at providing support, but it does sound like despite that he's made some effort in coming to see you, though it's valid that this alone might not feel like enough. And having someone you don't know in your space when you're feeling so vulnerable is just about the opposite to helpful. I can only hope that she is understanding and kind.

Do you think there's anything that could make his girlfriend coming a little easier for you? Maybe discussing some boundaries with your brother before she arrives?

[Jynx]

@Judymay oh hun, that is soooo hard. It sounds like for you, this has been a HUGE adjustment (understandably so!) but that perhaps your family are not really seeing the impacts. Or at least it seems they're not giving more thought to what you're experiencing! 

I can only imagine how lonely that would feel. I think.... as painful as it is to have our hopes raised then dashed, to me it is still important to continue putting energy into that hope. Cos to me, that speaks of your value system! It tells me that you have faith in people, and want to believe the best in them! Having an open heart like we do is a blessing and a curse, but I still think it's worth it in the end 💜

Hmm yeah having a stranger in one's space is very intrusive!! Do you think you could talk to your brother about it? Let him know that you're feeling a bit vulnerable and need to prioritise your own peace at the moment?

[tyme]

Hey @Judymay !

How are you, my friend! I've missed you!

How's life rolling along for you today?

[Judymay]

Hey @tyme 

thanks for reaching out.this week is filled with a lot of disappointment and I have found little reserves left for much which is untrue to my nature. 

I find myself mainly resting, trying to not let myself spiral in the disappointment and find kindness for myself.

I have run out of answers and don't have much fight left. So I have started writing a little book with 7 chapters of things I wish I told myself. I am finding it therapeutic as I se my self reincarnated but better in my 12 year old niece and she thinks I'm her hero. I am far from perfect and all I ever want to do is make this world better for her. So as I see my self in her I find myself writing. It's strange as I am finding understanding and kindness for myself as I write it and also hope that I can give her opportunities to feel avoid some of life's discomfort 

[tyme]

Oh my dear friend @Judymay ,

I'm sorry to hear it is so so hard. I just want to give you a big hug. I hear how disappointing and let down you must be feeling.

I want you to know I care, and I'm thinking of you all the time.

You might say you are not perfect, but who is? I am also far from perfect. But the fact that you have someone who adores you (your niece), that can make all the difference.

You mean a lot to people, including me even though we have never met in person.

You're a fight. I'll be by your side.

[Judymay]

Yes thank you @tyme I live for to Do lists and this is the first time but this week I have  none. Usually every night I can't sleep without writing my list and then I wake and start it but I am just riding the days this week.

[tyme]

And maybe that's all you need at the moment @Judymay 

How about give yourself a day or two as a break, and then go back to having your to-do list. 

I find my brain gets too clouded without a to-do list.

When I'm everywhere, the first thing I do is write a list.

[Judymay]

Um yes I have to admit I wrote a list but it's a ver different one that includes things like watch one season of Chicago med and delete contacts in my phone and watch rocket man and sleep 🫣

@tyme 

[tyme]

And you know what??? You go! Well done! @Judymay 

Who said lists had to be all about chore-ish things?

I'll give you a hint? I cheat a bit and add things I've already done to my list so I get the dopamine hit of crossing it off! lol