Contamination thoughts

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee it’s hard having someone jump to solutions and go into the toxic positivity mindset, especially since I was not validated growing up. I can’t say I have met many people who are able to sit with emotions. The rare people are true gems. The constant need to push emotions aside may also explain why workplace burn out is so prevalent. Addictions are another common way people cope

[creative_writer]

It’s only occurred to me now, a lot of the loneliness I feel stems from being disconnected from family. A part of me feels jealous of people who can turn to family when they are emotionally struggling. My parents have always said at the end of the day family is the only permanent people. But what if you can’t connect to those permanent people?

[Jynx]

A pretty heavy thought to be sitting with @creative_writer. I definitely know you're not alone in having this feeling of estrangement from family (or at least that feeling of not being able to go to them for support). I think that's why I have always been so fond of the 'chosen family' narrative common amongst queer folks.Within it is the idea that family isn't always those who birth us or raise us - family is the people we choose because those people make us feel safe and wanted. I really dislike the idea that blood relatives are apparently the pinnacle of human relationships! Whilst I would never want to diminish the value or importance of strong blood ties, the idea that we must maintain relationships to people that aren't really 'our people' just cos we share some genetics is so silly to me. It is also something that can make it that much harder for people to get away from abusive or narcissistic parents!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I know we can make our friends our family. It’s just going to take me a while to be okay with trusting people. My mum has very bad trust issues, she’s even been betrayed by some of her relatives. Family drama is chaotic. My mum has spoken about how people are after their own self interests many times. It’s not her fault, many trauma survivors become suspicious of others. The thing is I love her, but sometimes I don’t agree with her behaviour and has been scary. It’s hard for a child hearing about a mother’s desire to die. The first time I remember it happening was when I was a teen. It hasn’t happened for a while, but last time it happened it was hard. I was literally triggered during placement training on BPD when clinicians were talking about how their BPD patients sometimes threaten suicide. My mum has threatened suicide during arguments. I know people do it to get their needs met because they feel broken and lost

[Jynx]

That's really heavy @creative_writer. I know you'd mentioned her SI before in passing, but that extra context - that it was also used as a threat - does help me understand a lot more too. It sounds like you've been able to develop a perspective that allows you to see her actions as an attempt to get her needs met. Really helps to be able to contextualise human behaviour like that! As long as you still are able to give YOURSELF some compassion too, as in like.... Just because you can contextualise her behaviour, understand it, and even forgive it, it doesn't mean that you must ignore or downplay the impacts that behaviour has had on you.

I'm headed off soon hun, hope you have a splendid weekend!! Catch you next time 😊💜

[rav3n]

hey @creative_writer been thinking of you 😊 how's your friday going?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it’s hard with family. I’ve felt so guilty talking about attachment trauma. I’ll see you around next week💖

Today has been chaotic @rav3n. I hope you are having a better day

[creative_writer]

I wish I could find something that worked for me. I hate having to rely on medication time and time again. I don’t want to have to keep increasing my meds

[tyme]

I hope you will find something that works for you @creative_writer . 

Do your parents know how much you are struggling? Also, will you have to live with them until you get married?

I'm wondering what it would be like if you lived independently. Then again, I know that culturally, it may not be accepted.

Do you have siblings?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t tell my parents the extent of my mental health. Can’t exactly talk about SH and SI urges. I’m safe right now.

I’ve lived independently before when my parents weren’t in Melbourne. But I’ve been living with them since they’ve been back. Honestly I do my own independent thing a lot of the time. I think I’m mostly feel loneliness from not being able to connect on an emotional level. They don’t know how to manage emotions, so can’t blame them. But maybe if I didn’t have these strong emotions surging through me so much, I wouldn’t have to pretend. I just have these emotions, the agitation is very hard to sit with. Depression is so much worse with agitation present.

Typically people move away when they get married from a cultural perspective. I do have two younger siblings who are also adults