Just checking in.

[Teej]

Hi @CheerBear

I sent that poem because I liked that it was ambiguous of the type of relationship to the person passing. I can imagine you’ve been twisting yourself inside out with all the big emotions trying to bring the past and the present together. I had a feeling that was the case when I sent that poem. 

I hope you do get some time with them. From what you wrote it sounds like something that would help you through this a bit now. 

Again in I’m just sending this with knowing that a reply might be tricky and I really only want a response if it’s helpful for you. 

Thinking of you all in your house just now with very very big feelings. 💜

[CheerBear]

Thank you for being you Teej ❤ that twisting is spot on. I know how to deal with all kinds of stuff, but not this one. This is new to me. I've been lucky in that people dying isn't really something I've had to deal with much. There's lots of loss but not death. This big strong powerful person turned into a tiny fragile weak one in front of us and it's hard to watch.

I'm stuck under the lemon tree still but can feel myself starting to prepare to get up and ready for the kids to come home from school. Tomorrow I am taking them in to the hospital. I'll have to have what's probably going to be a hard conversation with them soon, but I haven't worked out how to do that yet. I don't want them to hurt.

I tried to speak to my MH worker (the new one that I am yet to establish really any kind of rapport with) when she called yesterday. I probably sounded shaky but I wasn't crying. I also don't think I said anything that would indicate I was a risk to myself as I am not in anyway, and am probably more stable in that way than I've been for a long time. She didn't seem to listen at all, instead jumping straight in to asking whether I could keep myself safe which felt yuck. She then asked if I'd tried any mindfulness apps. I don't know if my response of totally shutting down and ending the call quickly after that was completely justified, but I really don't understand how 'have you tried any mindfulness apps?' is a helpful response to a conversation that effectively said that I was feeling sad and overwhelmed by the thought of someone close and important dying 😑 I can't keep many appointments at the moment because things are all over the place which means I am a bit down in professional support. I know I should try harder to stick with appointments, but I'm also trying to be there as much as I can for the other people who are struggling as well. I could have really used a supportive listening ear yesterday.

Sorry. Today is a very ugh kind of one.

I'm going to hit post, telling myself it is healthy venting and that people here understand how that can be helpful, and I'm going to try not to second guess myself. Then I'm going to get up and pick up the kids. I think it's a pancakes-for-dinner kind of night (something about spending an entire day doing nothing but sitting under a lemon tree might have done that 😏).

I really hope your day is going OK. I want to ask about it and hear how you are going, but I don't want you to feel like you need to reply anymore than you've already done in such a helpful way lately. Again, biggest thanks for your listening eyes and support xx

[Mazarita]

Dear @CheerBear, so sorry you are going through all this on top of everything else you have to struggle with at this time of your life. Death (whenever it happens) is a natural part of life, but that doesn't make it any easier to be close to. Love and many hugs to you.

[Teej]

Thanks for your response @CheerBear. I’m so sorry that is the response you got from your support worker. Yuk, I would have got angry and struggled with that too. Seriously! mindfulness apps and are you safe 😑. There’s some check boxes without connection. Sorry. My rant at that. I hope she gets better or you might have to teach her about being a helpful support worker 😜😘

i hope the kids take it ok. It’s ok to remember that this isn’t like anything you’ve gone through before with the kids and that at some stage everyone loses someone close which perhaps brings some 'normality' for you all to be able to grieve together. For the kids I was thinking this is not a loss like they’ve had in the past, this one they can identify with some of their friends maybe in a circle of life kind of way. But like @Mazarita said it doesn’t make it any less painful.

Like you I haven’t experienced this kind of loss yet either. The closest thing was supporting my two best friends through the loss of their mothers in a fairly short space of time. I have to say I would have been better at it now that I understand empathy better.

Last year for me when I was visiting icu it was strange to see that larger than life figure so helpless and very weak too. 

Ok me, well I’m going ok so it’s a little easier to support you. My mood is stablish and I have no clue why but I’m taking it. I am looking forward to respite. Not much else is happening, just riding out my biggest's very stressful uni time which he is swinging too in a way he hasn’t before. There is lots of pride on the line and just when you think you know your kids you learn something new about them. It’s been a big learning curve but a good one to learn now. I had a moment last night when I got a phone call from one son who had some good news he had to share with someone and I was surprised it was me. It made me realise he still needs me a bit and that I’m supposed to stay on this planet for a bit longer. Also have supported youngest with his first job without job supervision in my house. He installed ceiling fans. The job wasn’t easy and there was lots of problem solving which he did well. I had to build his confidence and give him accolades. I guess it’s been a week where I felt like I had a job as mum still. Maybe that has helped.......or maybe taking my hrt and meds as prescribed has helped 🤦‍♀️. 

I have a family birthday tea tonight so this will probably be my last post today. Wishing you all the best for tonight and tomorrow. 💜

[Shaz51]

so sorry you are going through all this on top of everything else you have to struggle with at this time of your life. @CheerBear here for you xx

hello @Teej, @Mazarita, @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs and hugs @CheerBear ..... and grrrr for sucky not-supportive box-ticking automon “support” people ..... grrrr again ......

O don’t think I can say anything more or better than @Teej has ..... other than that I have been there, and it was my first major loss ..... and it’s just 🌵 ..... and I feel your aching heart .....

💜💐💕💜💐💕💜💐💕💜💐💕💜

And @Teej needs to stay in the planet a hellava lot longer cos there will always be things that baby dragons want to tell their Mama ..... always ......

💜💐💕🌷❣️

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Mazarita, @Teej, @Shaz51 and @Faith-and-Hope, lots 💛 I really appreciate you all.

I really like the idea with the kids @Teej. I hope you enjoy your night with your family. Smiled lots reading that you're going OK, thank you for sharing ❤

@Mazarita thank you for understanding 💚. I read how you are going and sent you huge lion hugs through my thoughts. Lots of love to you.

@Shaz51 thanks for being you 💙

Totally 🌵 @Faith-and-Hope 😔 (love that emoji you're using). Under the lemon tree today I was looking at some baby sunflowers I have planted in the vegetable garden (that don't look like sunflowers yet) having a little more understanding of your hurting heart that came from something similar for you 🌻💔

I have had a better afternoon than I had day and have been up and about with a couple of smaller people and some sunshine. I needed the stop break that was today, even if it was kind of (lots) messy. I'm going to try and crawl out of the forum rock I've been hiding under soon as I want to be able to not think about this alllllll the time 👍

(So thankful for this space that has been so helpful through lots of tough times 🌈)

[Shaz51]

here for you @CheerBear, sitting with you and giving you hugs

[CheerBear]

Hey @Teej. Just checking in to see how you're doing and to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Not sure when your arty respite break that's coming up is, but sending hope that it is helpful for you and feels good

💙

[Teej]

If image doesn’t work here is link 

https://goo.gl/images/TKcG4v

@CheerBear, been thinking about you but mindful of being a stalker too :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤔. I also was mindful of not wanting you to feel like it’s all consuming. Checked out other threads which seems like everything is going okish given the chaos that is going on for you. You are doing so well. There’d be little bits of teej splattered all over the forum (lots of teej shouting loudly in crisis me thinks) and in real life if it was me 😳😬.

My mood is currently a cross between first gif (I hope it works) and this....

I hope you feel less blue soon.

...meaning I’m all over the place and have been for a few days. 

I go into respite tomorrow. I’m at the nervous, I really hope this works out stage. 

I had an appointment with psychiatrist this morning. Have been beating myself up ever since. I wish I could think through things more thoroughly when I’m in it. Today I decided that a little bravado was called for and it meant that everything I said was half truths. I didn’t mean to and didn’t lie as such but didn’t think through things enough for a truthful answer. I can see I am going to have to write pages between each appointment......firstly to correct everything from the week before, then to talk about the stuff she raised that did my head in and lastly to bring up stuff I’m struggling with 🤔

I don’t think I posted this. I took it weeks ago of my garden cheer and created the collage but mood changed and I forgot it. I found it today and thought of you.

My end of winter cheer

Thinking of you and your roller coaster. 💜🤗