Your illness and others

[Violetsare]

How do you handle it when some of the people you care about are scared of you because they don't understand your illness? I was young and sick and engaged in some reckless behaviour and got dumped as a result because the person didn't know what was happening and they were young. They are still connected to people close to me and I want to make amends but I think they will be too scared because I'm that crazy person they used to date. I'm going to give it a go because they seemed like a pretty cool person and maybe they can see past my illness which I have under control now.

[CherryBomb]

Hi Violetsare,

I've not seen you on here before. Welcome!

Throughout life some friends will come and go, some will stick by you through thick and thin, whereas others will drift away.

 It's impossible to know how they will react though. I like to think that you can only do what you can, own your part, empathise from their point of view and if they're open to it, teach them about what you've been through. But you can't make them learn if they don't want to. They might be apprehensive and it might take some time. But if they're open to mending a friendship, perhaps ask them what they need from you to feel safe? And remember with any relationship, it works both ways to restore a connection. One person can't be doing all the work. If they continue to hold a negative view of you and MI, this can be tough on you, and perhaps it's something that they will need some time to work on too. Relationships can work best when two people are working at it. 

The friends that stick by us are a great gift in life, the one's that don't are a great lesson in life.

Has anyone else got any advice for Violetsare?

CB

[Crystal]

Hi Violetsare

I think lots of people fear what they do not understand, others may be able to just "accept" that they do not understand and a special few will understand and embrace us with that understanding.

I am also a crazy person that someone used to date someone.  That person is no longer part of my life however I am now a crazy person who has managed depression for 15 years (sometime better than others) who has been in a long tern relationship for 9 years With a person who still says he does not "understand" what I experience on a black day but who does not question that it is a black day for me.  I am still the same person although I have managed to learn strategies to influence my behaviour and manage my "illness."   Advice that was once given to me was ....... you can only be responsible for the behaviour you are able to be responsible for ...... and I read that you have learnt how to "control" those behaviours that might scare others.  This sounds like a pretty cool responsible person to me.  A person that many would be honoured to have as a friend - give it a go, act in the way that you can be proud of, be proudly yourself knowing that others are responsible for their behavours and whatever response you get from others is about them not you.  I hope you continue to meet people who see YOU and not your illness.  I have had disappointments but I also have a wonderful bunch of friends with different levels of "understanding" but they can all see ME.

[NikNik]

Hi @Violetsare 

I just wanted to check in to see how things are going.

I really liked your advice @Crystal It's great that you have a support group of friends 🙂

[chemonro]

Hi @Violetsare 

I think making ammeds is never wrong, if only as part of the process of forgiving yourself? So well done in arriving at this place! What I've found is that it helps to write things down, that way you can be sure you are saying exactly what you mean to say, and you can ask other people you trust to read it and comment on how it comes across too.

Finally, a written communication is non threatening and non confrontational, you can send it off and they have the time and space they need to absorb it and respond. The downside is you may not get any response, or nothing for a long time, but it keeps the lines of communication open and it does feel good if it end up building bridges. 

Good Luck!

[Violetsare]

I sent the guy a friend request on facebook, and didn't hear anything for a little bit, but I heard he was overseas. Then a day or two ago he accepted. I'm waiting to see if he writes anything by tomorrow night, if not I will ask him how he is going. But I'm glad he responded. If we make up our friends can invite us both to the same events without it being weird, which would come in handy if my best friend every marries her guy, or just for weekend trips.

Anyway I'm doing well, the meds I'm on have really helped and haven't sent me psychotic which is always a good thing ( I was worried about starting an antidepressent but my mood stabiliser has it under control). Just had my performance review at work and my boss is happy with me and likes the way I think outside the square (she doesn't know I have bipolar), I got more positive feedback than the others in my position which goes to show that my illness doesn't mean I can't compete with regular folk. 

[NikNik]

Hey - that's great news @Violetsare What would we do without good ol' facebook!?

Congrats on the work review *high five* There's a very interesting discussion taking place here about work and discrimination. Your last comment made me think you might have an opinion on it.

Great to see you around the forums again

Nik

[Crystal]

I read you are taking what may seem like small steps but are steps with open, and honest thoughts/intentions.  You continue to consider others and how they might feel & how things might impact on your mutual friends - this also seems to say something about the person YOU are.    Again , their reactions are their behaviour.

Fantastic new about your performance review - further evidence of what others "see" and value in YOU.  I hope you can bottle your reaction to hearing your Boss's comment so that you do not loose sight of this importance evidence next time you are feeling down.  Thinking outside the square is something to celebrate and certainly contributes to vibrant, healthy workplaces and communities in a very important way.  You add colour to what would otherwise be sepia tone. 

Have fun continuing to spash the colour around.

take care Crystal