Wife with BPD

[Crushedreed]

@Healandlove 

thanks for your response. Great tips! 

I’ll have to wait for my wife to feel ready for couples counselling. She is very resistant to outside help. 

how do you plan trips? I seem to have to plan with plan B for “when” not “if” my wife falls into another episode. 

the last time we went to holidays, she didn’t feel I gave her enough attention when she pulled away from me. Led to a whole day of crying and awful accusations then a complete cut off for a week. That was thousands of dollars spent on a traumatic wedding anniversary weekend. 

I was required to organise the whole event, it was met with extreme optimism and excitement, then a milisecond flip, and I was the most awful man on earth. 

im thinking if I become more boundaried, I would include things I like and want to do, and give her the option to join me or not. It’s hard, because I find she cracks at times we come together or go apart. I feel setting a boundary makes things worse, but I have to do it! 😞

[Determined]

@Crushedreed 

I can't say we have ever had highs 😢 

Short periods of peace and tranquillity followed by crash.

Crash varies from closed off and withdrawn to angry and abusive. 

In between, sulky and rude at home and goes out smiling pretending we have iy all together and freely spending money we don't have. For some reason we need to have untapped spending ability for life to be close to ok. 

Having an issue with that at the moment as I am in turmoil at work and likely out of a job 😢 

A case of press on and burn out (again) or cut and run while I have a half.a chance of being sufficiently functional to find a new job. Last burnout and health crisis took 10 years to recover enough to work and I still have not recovered. I stayed In a job far tool long because any talk of leaving resulted in meltdowns and threats of self harm (permanent type) and increased spending, cleaning is out so I could not afford to leave. 

[Healandlove]

@Crushedreed how are you today?

To your question about holidays,  we haven't taken one for a while.  I think the fact that he is seeing his own therapist has helped us and it's one of the reasons I decided to stay. When he pulls away emotionally or goes on a spill of pity seeking I have learnt to quietly listen and no validate anything negative he is saying.  I have learnt to walk away from an argument if he starts raising his voice or making accusations. I have to say he doesn't really like our couple psychologist and at times says she is against him. The saving grace here is he has his own space with his own therapist that he trusts. 

What I experience with my husband is that he also seeks attention when he pulls away.

Just like your wife.

I know it's hard to set boundaries but for both your well-being I think it's the best thing to do. Because by letting them have their way we are not helping them. So I have learnt to push back with kindness. I think what you have in mind, planning what you want to do and then asking her to join is a good idea. You could also ask her to plan something she wants to join and tell her you are happy to join her too. 

Sending you strength. I really hope your wife decides to get help. 

Can I ask, do you have kids?

Hugs 🫂 your way.

[Crushedreed]

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like the typical experience. It’s almost identical to my experience.

The highs “overvaluing the good” is definitely diminishing as I’m becoming more boundaried. Currently it’s been days of withdrawal and rage demanding I take responsibility and take her version of events only, or the relationship ends. 

it’s nice I can keep my peace this time. I know I have taken accountability for my actions and expressed my love. I know she has a right to her experience and make decisions from it. I also have the right to honour mine and be at peace with it. 

other times it’s not easy. I know she may not remember any of this and there is no successful strategy in this approach, just to preserve my own peace. 

how do you look after yourself during these times? It’s nice to see you’re at a stage where you call it as it is. I was in denial for the large part of my long marriage. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Crushedreed 

Thanks for responding and well done for reaching out!

Well done for taking the initiative to work on yourself within a difficult pattern of relating, despite your partner being resistant to therapy. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to look at the parts of our lives and patterns that aren't working well and examine them. 

I really related to your story of going on holiday and it being ruined because of the weight of expectations. Growing up, I experienced this with a family member with BPD. No gift was enough, nothing could fulfill their ideal event, or assuage the fear of them not being loved enough. It took years of creating very strong boundaries and reinforcing what societal norms were (it's normal that only 1 gift be given, or we go to this dinner but not that one, etc), and rehearsing ahead of time with them how I would be fulfilling the act of the gift-giving, celebratory event, etc. to remove uncertainty and reassure them, before things began to settle somewhat over the years. Understanding why the person was so very *scared/traumatised/anxious/controlling, etc, and then completely removing any expectations from my end has provided us some balance in our interactions. I can imagine it must be more intense in intimate partner relationship dynamics, however. 

Hope everyone can find the best in themselves and others 🩵

[Crushedreed]

Hi @8ppleTree 

I found comfort in your experience. Thanks for sharing. 

my wife does ask for a date night, but as I prepare one, there is always an issue with it. She gets jealous if I contact a female babysitter. Won’t accept a male babysitter. Won’t organise a babysitter for herself, as it’s my responsibility… 

to her, it seems, all those restrictions are unrelated and don’t interconnect. 

I don’t want to organize a day out, it’s just constant rage. I started to just shout he a day out for herself. 

lately she has grown jealous of my relationship with the kids and is starting to only go out if I go out solo, so the kids are with a babysitter. 

I have not spent unmonitored time with the kids for 2 weeks. 

The reasons to stay in the relationship are diminishing each day. I do know she will be even more vindictive if I do leave… so it’s a decision to accept a strained relationship with my kids and enable the abuse, or leave and risk never seeing the kids and having no relationship. 

sorry, I took this on a tangent. Big questions…. I assume she will be nice and accommodate my relationship with my kids in a couple more weeks when the devaluation stage wears off and she needs me again… but it’s hard to be present as she is now ripping into another emotionally sensitive part of me to get back under her thumb. 

[tyme]

Hey @Crushedreed ,

I'm hearing you. I hear the jealousy that your wife may be experiencing right now and how hard it must be for you.

Are there ways you can speak to her about it when she is in a relaxed frame of mind?

I'm speaking from a fellow BPD-er's perspective and I remember a clinician asking me straight out, "Are you feeling jealous?"

It was a wake up call in admitting that yes indeed, I was feeling jealous.

[Crushedreed]

Hey @tyme 

thanks for your encouragement. Yes I have raised this as an issue directly. She has just committed to couples counselling finally. The therapist straight out said she is showing signs of jealousy and distrust and there is no possibility of the relationship moving forward if it remains. 

my wife still denied it and then booked another session with a 40min talk about how it is me that is the jealous one and me that needs to change. 

I have started to doubt for the first time that she has no intention of changing for the relationship. 

One self help book stated that as I enable the behavior, there is zero need for change. So today I have just put in a boundary that I’m not building the business until I have quality time with kids. 

currently I’m living on a tiled floor in the laundry. I work here earning 180k - that she has full control over. And can only access the kitchen for food and water on her terms. Sometimes this is denied. I work 7 days plus nights with no holidays. 

she is still demanding I do more. So now I’m saying no, not until I have quality time. She says I look angry so won’t let me see kids until I control my anger. I said it’s a normal feeling to have and it is controlled. What are your thoughts? I assume she feels invalidated and further entrenched in fighting me 😞 

wow, writing this, I am such a push over right!?!?! Lots of abuse led me to this position 😞

[tyme]

Hey @Crushedreed ,

It sounds like the boundary-setting is one sided, whatever the boundary is.

For me, what worked best was when we sat down calmly and spoke about and agreed upon boundaries together. 

I read she is trying to control things as much as possible, and then you are trying to regain control by pushing the other way. This in turn sounds like a constant tug-of-war and can be very tiring.

As a borderline, I was very very sensitive. Even if you had a neutral face, I could potentially see it as angry. There has been research into this and seems to be a common thing amongst borderlines.

Does she accept she has BPD? Does she want things to be different? Do you know what she wants from the relationship?

I hear how tough things are for you, and living on her terms does not sound feasible nor sustainable.

What can you do you ensure you look after yourself?

[Crushedreed]

I can take your advice on revisiting this boundary in a time that is calm. 

She is so incredibly sensitive, that any constructive feedback, quickly escalates into a tirade at me. Even when I offer to talk with coffee and breakfast. 

it is calm when I don’t say anything. So I guess she is being challenged to sit in a space of discomfort. 

re BPD. I have raised my concerns early in marriage. This turned into 5 years of convincing me that I have BPD and me getting treatment for it, against the advice of family, friends, therapists and psychiatrist. I was in severe denial. 

I am a fan of DBT therapy tho. 

I don’t know what she wants out of the marriage. I do know she was a strong need not to be abandoned and separation is a scary space for her .

at the moment any discomfort she has, she sees as my fault. I have validated and enabled this close to a decade. So obviously she has no reason to change as I supported it. 

it’s growth for me to stand my ground. I guess this is a protest from her and If I stay consistent there is chance of change in relationship as she still want to not be abandoned. 

you ask good questions as a BPD”er. Thank you!