Moved: Re: Is this some type of morbid

[Pheenstar]

@Former-Member, i am trying to work it out, i am looking at all my options, none are even semi appealling, your advice is kinda out of the question, so i would call that bad advice, things i am dealing with at the moment are moral it would be to even have a relationship with someone of this mentality, we are seperated under the same roof, i have said i wont be even considering the thought of a relationship with the required help... and lately things have been a bit better on one level, but the kids have dropped agqin... i have had to work a bit more the last few weeks and i havent been there enough to keep em up, but no panic stations yet, She has set up in the back two bedrooms and its even possible that she will just stay there as long as this topic isnt discussed, in three weeks when her 3mday a week job contract is up, well if it aint renewed i can see her state getting bad and possibly into the darker side of mental illness. I know it wont be fun, and thetd be best case senario.. she looks to be trying to move on some how, things seem the sqme to me, but imget the feeling she is leaving the harder decision to me and just hoping i take care of things, She has no idea why and even asked if i know, which was a shock why nath the 4 yr old wont listen and is even copying what she says, like teasing her, I just said, is he.... i will deal with it, and that was it.. I get the feeling this disorder or what ever it is , is her first love even, that this thing gets protected at all costs, I have not been pushing help, and trying to discover the best way for us all to take, me mentally and give us all direction.... Again @Former-Member, these kind of basic or general ideas of advice are nothing, i know the basic, i know this general advice, probably since i was a kid... it is nothing, its all been tried, focused on, im in the big leagues, i understand how this works through life experience and while i consider people with experience, psychs and doctors, ther understanding of how it works is very minimal, therapies and medications, i find are more knowledgable about, but when there aint no help, thats no help as well. I cant leave my boys with her, it would be considered cruelty to her first of all and severe negect to the kids... i got a heart that is strong,  the kindest i have ever seen, my head is strong, super strong, i can pass any iq test and am in the top 10 percent of the top 1 percent iq wise, but my strongest points would be common sense, the ability to seek out the best solution and i am not even close to a good solution, the best solution is barely even practical, while some solution i would not be able to morally do. I will always listen to anyone who is trying to help , anyone with a good heart and especially something i havent thought, bit to just hit the general button and think you doing good with a whole familys , young families life is just way below where you need and this industry need to be, The number one person to be listened to, should be the carer if they are sane and doing there best and phyc's and doctors have got to find these people when the situation arizes and work with them, when there not there, do your best, but when there there and the medical profession are not using the people that actually know and understand the illnesses is hard to take.... not even blaming them, but i got close family, intelligent friends, and they find it hard to grasp.. when you livin this thing with young children getting a good phych, caring, and time to think things through could take weeks for a 25% understanding of a certain personality and never even get to 50% stage. If it ever gets to the help stage, beside, therpies maybe and meds, i cant see any help even bring helpful @ivana @Former-Member@Former-Member ,  its frustrating, thought provoking, emotional exhausting for me... but this is just life, not a problem  why u want to help someone with out a problem, this is not the first time i hear this kind of advice... i think is more like abuse. But thats. Another topic i will explain if you really want to stick with these easy answers

[Former-Member]

Hello @Pheenstar

it was certainly not my intention to offend you.

I apologise for causing you any concern.

I shall send a request through to have my response removed

I hope that you find the outcome that you are seeking

[Pheenstar]

Im not offended, its not even about me, it is as usual about the person that no one will or wants to help... wear strict guidelines are adhered to make sure this mother of two little suffering boys may never get help, because of the contradiction of her problem .. IF she could get help for herself then it wouldnt  even be that problem... she cant do it, she believes what  she is saying,, she has been convincing herself fir twenty years, daily, and the one thing she cant do, is the thing that is cumpulsory... she is a law abiding citizen, she would even go with an order, i would make her if i was allowed... who are people trying to protect, this is not something that is offended, it is not real, it is  just a disorder that the person under there somewhere, if has any feeling left would want the help... people are forced to jump through unnesessary hoops all day long these days, and there aint no options in these circumstances, except the one that is virtually irrelevant... thats offencive, cruelty incompentence, it is every negative word i can think of ... what else i

.... @Former-Member again no mention of kis or my poor partner in need

[Pheenstar]

If you cant understand the post above its because, it is in response to something that has beed removed, not by myself,  i think it appropriate that it stays,  that post should not be considered important or offensive enough to be removed.. there are heaps of posts like that in hear, half of em... 

[ivana]

Hi Neill,

Is your girlfriend open to self help options such as books etc like the below?

You mentioned she had some issues in your childhood and with her dad-are you in a position to elaborate further on this?

Have you noticed any patterns of when things are running more smoothly between both of you?

http://www.booktopia.com.au/i-hate-you-don-t-leave-me-jerold-j-kreisman/prod9780399536212.html?sourc...

https://www.verywell.com/emotion-regulation-skills-training-425374

http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd

https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/bpd-symptoms-emotional-regulation.html

[Pheenstar]

No, she is not open to this @ivana, i got her to start about her dad, and there were a few, ive already had help and lets get help, but nothing genuine... 

About the father, he is east german and doesnt speak a word, he is not a bad bloke from what i can see, more of an annoying bloke... he doesnt get it really, kind of stuff like, my 2-3 yr old boy wouldnt talk to him after a couple of days coming out from germany, he had to be told to stop nagging him and just be a poppy... THe boy gets his fair share already from his mum...  BUT he couldnt work it out and would of keep going with it.. she left as soon as possible nd says he was just not there for us,, i can only assume it came from this.... and her talkings about the past, nothing from the 18 year old and over,,, also she got some good friends from the school days still, i mean. Good people, ive seen conversation from the last boyfriend and its the same crap... so that goes back 12 yrs, She is able to cope with life, no problem, she somehiw holds it together, but this thing, especial at the partner and the kids will cop it in a different way, is the freaking devil, i would of worked it out ages ago, but i never new about personalty disorder, i knew she was just irrational and i couldnt wait to get away from her, With in 1 second of reading about it, the mindset changed.. But there has never been any hardcore abuse of her,  She is non violent, not happy but def not depressed and the stories make sence if you dont know her from the no sence of humor straight up and down german way... as i said also before .. personality disorder in her head. Is 100 times more offensive thananything else i could say,,, most things wouldnt get a normal reaction even, but help for this is like awakening a monster who cant stop

patterns when things running smoother for me is a no... no real good times, only what. I have made of them, trying different ways to stop the abuse, I even let it go once to see what her reaction would be... She was radiant, it is the only time i remember her being happy, or her most radiant, if i was deaf you would think she was relly a fairytale to a little princess.....at the moment she keeping quiet hoping it goes away, sometimes you can see she putting an effort to act happy and normal, usually the eyes are a dead give away on how much she been thinking , they havent been great lately but nothing to hit the panic button, like if the job get cancelled and nath wont listen to her and not being in a relationship, are the most toxic combo i can think about, .. Until now i had her back, and i alwys teaching nathan to look after mum, and the job gives her routoine and somthing to talk about... if the job goes, i gunna have to hire someone to be with her. Its mot even an option to leave this... i will be getting sll those books though, also someone talking about dmt or drt therapy

[ivana]

Maybe you could try framing it in a way that the goal/reason for having "help" is to improve your and her relationship (and communication )and provide it with better stability and less stress etc for your children.That might make her more open to reading Self help material or getting Dialectical Behavioural therapy (DBT).

This approach might be more effective than "labelling" her with a personality disorder as this might,like you stated,cause her to react with anger,fear,denial etc.

If she can see that you can humbly state that you yourself have some things that need to be worked on too,then maybe that would in turn make her also less resistant and liking to admit/address some things that she could with some help to improve?

Regarding her father- could he have some Pstd,severe Depression or even a form of Dementia?

It would see strange that he doesn't speaks at all.

[Pheenstar]

@ivana Those ways have been tried, many more subtle ways, and even more direct ways, i am now exploring ways in which to cope long term, and in doing this may have helped get her some.help, She has now gone to the doctor and got a referal to see a phych. She did this only on the back of me starting to see whats out there in the big bad relationship world, and cause i wouldnt talk to her practacally about any topic as there is vertially nothing she can talk about and i was only there for help with a bit of her mentallity, and told her what she says about me and how she talks in front of our kids as akin to a form of child abuse, long term child abuse and how i have to continually get these boys up and to forget what she sayin... abuse at me was returned back to her  as "you are a child abuser", and even for her state of nothiness was too much to handle which bought her to get help( i mean she got a referal) that nothin still in my book) not Our relationship has hit new lows lately, Abuse has probably increased and my rapid fire back is now totally out of control, my views about her are changing aswell, She is not a woman to me anymore, She is an abuser, a patient, a disorder, someone that dont even really count, a minder of our children while i try and earn enough to keep them together in a house in sydney, while i got to save on top to oneday get another life again... After meeting a couple of normal girls, i can see inwant this again someday, maybe a couple of years away yet, but one day, maybe the abuse has cut too deep finally, and i dont want her, no matter what the outcome.

anyway, back to the she is getting help, so dispite us being seperated in thesame house and she keeps going on about, she is not in love and all she says in her repeative speech she has when this. Topic arises, i took a phone call, and i very rarely evenlook at ,y phine when i. Have the kids, she couldnt handle it and came out the. Front. To interupt the call. To another women in tears and i cut the phone call short and she said she read my posts inthe forums, I cant remember all. Posts, but they must  be a bit hard to take even for her, even to semi understand, and i dont , 1 even worry, 2 give a shit anymore, .. There all honest, but to start talking to her again , in reality for me to stop now abusing her is a step back.,. THIS creul irrational responce, the first time i have abused another human inmy life,maybe the only thing that has worked so far, S he even said, she will be asking for me to talk to her phych before she has sessions, as this is what i have said will be of best. Help... i have learnt not to believe she can make this first step and i still genuenly believe She wont do it.

DBT, I BEEN MEANING TO LOOK INTO THAT

Father got no dementia,  depression, and he is last on the lets get fixed list,, you want to tell an annoying bloke  that nomatter what he does or says, then , well lets just say theres a saying for that and there is a brick wall init

[Pheenstar]

@ivana, so sorry ivana, the dopey barstard is german, he dont speak a word of english, really sorry, and i dont speak any german. Sorry and i owe you, maybe others( apology)nothing proof read, its just slapped down for ever to read and read into it how ever you like

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