Inpatient with an eating disorder

[The-red-centaur]

I'm so scared. They're making me eat and I can't deal with it. 

Let me explain...

I've been in hospital the last 6 weeks on a medical ward due to the physical injuries of a suicide attempt and I'm going to be in here we'll into the new year. The thing is I struggle with an eating disorder. They've become aware of it (despite the fact I'm not underweight) and have been heavily monitoring and controling my intake.

I feel so out of control. 

I broke down at dinner and just couldn't do it. I can't eat anymore. I just can't. 

[outlander]

hey @The-red-centaur
im sorry that you've been having such a rough time.
I do have an eating disorder but it doesn't affect me as much as some other people.
could you maybe try to work on your ED? I know this is very difficult but while your surrounded by supports and in a safe environment it could be worth trying to work on the ED as well as healing from your physical injuries?

[The-red-centaur]

@outlander I'm sorry you struggle with an ED too.

I was trying so hard to do what they wanted but I can't anymore. I give up eating, it's too hard.
Maybe today is a bad day for my ED and I can try again tomorrow I accept that as possible but tbh I don't know if I can try again tomorrow or just give up.
Inpatient is actually making my ED worse. They record everything I eat so it makes me so much more consciousnof my intake. I tried not counting cal but that didn't last. I'm not enacting my bulimia but it's going back to anorexia again instead of those things getting better.

I'm really scared about my next dietician visit. I don't want the tube like they've threatened.


Tbh I really don't know how to recover. I've had eating issues for 20 years.

[greenpea]

@The-red-centaur  Hi sweetheart we are here with you. Just take it one baby step at a time. We all love you The-red-centaur. Love always peaxxxx

[The-red-centaur]

@greenpea hey pea, thank you.
I don't know where to start. Everything inside is saying not to eat today.
I do know I need to eat to get physically better, especially if I want to walk again......it's just...urgh....I can't....it's complicated.

My ED is actually getting happy with the fact I'm experiencing muscle degradation from being confined to bed. Since I can't use my legs they're getting tiny. It's so messed up. I shouldn't be focusing on that. I know I'm losing weight. They've threatened a NG tube, that scares me.

[The-red-centaur]

I still think I'm too fat to have a proper eating disorder.

[greenpea]

@The-red-centaur  Hey sweetie you must eat. Even just a few mouthfuls. I know it is hard but as you say is so important to be able to walk again and you want to walk.  You dont want that tube ..... just try a lil bit for the pea. xx

[The-red-centaur]

@greenpea I'm scared... I'm really scared.

[greenpea]

@The-red-centaur  Dont be scared we are all there with you. As I said we all love you and care about you. You are a strong person who we all value here at the forums. Just believe in yourself and know how wonderful you are. 🙂

[The-red-centaur]

@greenpea it's hard for me to accept those words. <br><br>Ever since relapsing from court I've lost a significant amount but it's not enough, I'm still so fat. I need to lose weight. <br>Also everything is so out of control rn. When I say no to food I feel in control of at least something. I have so little control of my diet so refusing it is the only thing I can do. <br><br>I know my ED is in control of my life rn, it does scare me a little that that happening but I'd rather be scared of that than scared of having all the c*lories they force on me. <br><br>4 hours til meal time 😭 I don't want to face it.