Contamination thoughts

[tyme]

Oh! You have two younger siblings! I learnt something new @creative_writer 

Do your parents treat them any differently to you?

Do you think they are struggling too?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t think my parents have bad intentions. They can be very overprotective, it can feed into anxiety. Emotional regulation was never a taught skill. Hence why my mum has outbursts. Being the oldest meant I had to take more responsibilities. The oldest child often has to grow up faster. Sometimes I do feel like my mum puts pressure on me of having it together. I try for their sakes.

I’m sure my sister has struggles with her own anxiety and depressive symptoms. But I do feel like I’m the messed up one

[tyme]

Absolutely! I can totally relate. My parents didn't have 'bad' intentions, yet the way I was raised really affected me. That is, the late of emotional security, not being able to express myself. I can relate to much of what you have shared.

Yet I have never blamed them for anything because I know they did their best.

Feeling you are 'messed up' is pretty harsh. We all have challenges, but I wonder how you can be supported to look past seeing yourself and 'wrong' or 'faulty' and working towards embracing your strengths and all the things you CAN do? @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme   emotional neglect is still neglect, even if it’s unintentional. It’s very common when you have a parent with mental illness. I reckon there is intergenerational trauma. I don’t think my mum really got her needs met through granny, probably was emotionally parentified.

I think right now it’s hard to see things clearly. It’s been a very rough day. I also feel once things slow down in my mind, it’ll be easier to use the rational part of the brain. I just don’t think I’m in the right mindset to embrace my strengths at this moment in time.

I do find things feel so much worse when agitated, everything comes out, trauma, urges to be self-destructive and I also buy things I don’t need. I also considered using “X” today in order to cope but didn’t. I just hope the agitation will be lifted by tomorrow morning

[tyme]

Totally hearing you @creative_writer . 

It took me a LONG time to see that my BPD is most likely a result of my upbringing. It was hard to accept this because like I said, it was not intentional - yet it impacted me.

It hurts when I think about it. The fact that they too, probably didn't have their needs met either.

At the same time, it reminds me that I need to be emotionally available to my nieces and nephews.

I hope things improve for you tomorrow. Please rest up and take it easy.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I honestly think BDP is a form of CPTSD, same with AVPD (having tons of AVPD traits myself). Both personality disorders have cross-over with CPTSD. From my experience on placement, a lot of clients with BDP have complex trauma histories. Even the clients who had complex trauma histories often had traits. Honestly, I think it's hard to meet someone who doesn't have some cluster b traits because we are all human. I did a screener on placement to get some insight into it, while I scored low, I was not at the 0 mark. PDs are often demonised, but are often treatable. Stigma for mental illness infuriates me. Maybe my ND does mean I have justice sensitivity.

It does hurt thinking parents did not get their needs met. My grandparents saw war, my granny was scared for her life.

I hope the weekend goes okay for you

[tyme]

Totally @creative_writer .

There are strong links between BPD and CPTSD. There was a time (maybe even now) that they wanted to rename BPD to CPTSD.

Who knows what will come of that?

And yes, I agree that it is demonised, but totally treatable. 

Hope you can get out in the sunshine a bit before the sun goes down. I'm sitting in the sun at the moment. It's so lovely here.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I see BDP as a subtype of CPTSD. It’s often related to attachment trauma. CPTSD can present differently in different people, but it often causes interpersonal difficulties. Some people become hyper independent, other people find themselves clinging to people to avoid abandonment, others display a mixture of behaviours. While I’m not saying my mum had BDP, I’ve wondered if she has abandonment issues. I suspect it’s a result of trauma. She tries to pull me closer and I push back to guard my independence.

If I had a magic wand I would change things, I hate how much stigma remains. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through that when they are already very vulnerable.

Sunshine was lovely. I didn’t get out as of yet, I was doing stuff for uni. I got some natural light into my room ☀️

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

How's today been?

[creative_writer]

@tyme mentally better but feeling rather achy. If you know me, it’s practicable impossible to stay still and rest. I feel the need to constantly move, I’ve been told I move a lot in my sleep too.

How was your Sunday?