👥 BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion 👥

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

I'm sorry I can't reply to all of what you have written. I'm in shock and severely exhausted. I got back from the police station an hour and a half ago. I'm petrified, iln shock, disgusted, and probably a million and one other things. I only went down to finally do my first report of DV and the police decided to initiate a 72 hour protection order. Besides already feeling I don't know what to be honest, it put me into further shock. I am struggling to comprehend it is that serious they would decide this. Not angry with police at all. 

Just had police turn up about 20 mins ago to give me a copy of the protection order. She has been served. It was a same sex relationship. I'm in shock. I can't believe this is even happening right now. I'm linked in with a family violence worker. It's just that it's the weekend. Have to wait till Monday. I have 72 hours to go get the restraining order. That's how long the protection order lasts for. I'm just in shock. I don't feel good. I'm angry, hurt, sad, worried, angry that she just couldn't stop inflicting harm, angry that I constantly made excuses for her, angry that I was being abused and still didn't respect myself enough to put a stop to it. I don't want anyone around me. She won't come here now. I have video cameras and neighbours that know me. 

I'm just not sure what to think or feel. The biggest thing I suppose is having to believe I wasn't truly loved at all and that us what hurts deeply more than anything else, because I believed I was. I have numbers I can call for support. I think I'll just let myself be whatever. I guess I'll be OK.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wow ..... @Powderfinger ..... yep, they're solid boundaries for sure, and I am not at all surprised at your emotional fallout ...... and yeah, the toughest part has to be realising that you weren't loved at all, at least not in the way you know love.  For 'transactional people' having people serve them is their version of being loved, and providing enough incentive for you to believe in them and keep serving them is their version of giving love ...... it's certainly outside of my boundaries now, and unfortunately as a result of experiences like this you will be on a recovery journey for some time.  But you have started it .....

Do you have a coping box ?  Please take good care of yourself now.  Being angry with yourself for acquiescing to people who disrespect who you are is natural enough, but the flip side of that is that you know yourself to be an Empath, and that is a special thing to be ......

Hugs @Powderfinger ...... you did it ..... you took the first steps.

💜🌷

[Appleblossom]

Hear Hear @Corny re personal and professional boundaries being important.

Boundaries are not a simple magic bullet for all things romantic relationshipwise.  They are complex like human beings are complex.

[Corny]

I don't expect the NDIS to be trauma aware @Appleblossom because even large public institutions are not, but most workplaces and people know what professional boundaries look like, and why they are so important to maintain a supportive and therapeutic relationship that respects both parties, Corny 

@Powderfinger I am same-sex attracted too, I don't have much to give right now I am sorry, my Mum died suddenly last week. It was a complex relationship and her husband/my father, put us all through a lifetime DV. It is way way way more common than people realise in LGBTI relationships. I've experienced realising that someone didn't love me at all, it is so painful. But it got even worse, I realised they didn't even respect me in the most basic of ways which I consider only human. Some people have developmental brain disorders that make the primitive sides of our animal brains more dominant. They can be predatory, aggressive, violent and their social functioning lacks capacity. It's as if they are a unicellular organism. It's all about them. You've taken the 1st step and maybe there are some legal avenues you could get advice on to make it more concrete, Corny 

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

I read what you wrote. I actually can't take any of it in. I dont understand what is being written. My head today is spinning. I will try another time when I think I may be able to understand it. Sorry. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

Sincere condolonces for losing your mum and thank you for taking the time to respond. It is so important you just focus on you right now. I dont know what to feel, think or say right now. I am devastated and heartbroken, not to mention traumatised and vulnerable. Legal avenues are not an issue. Tomorrow and Tuesday is all legal actions I am having to take. Application for restraining order Monday and then it will be court on Tuesday morning. I just feel sick and I feel like screaming. 

PF

[Faith-and-Hope]

No problem @Powderfinger ......

I think @Corny just said the same sorta thing in a different way, but now is the time for you to focus on you and take the best care of yourself that you can ......

Love to you too @Corny 

[Corny]

Good for you @Powderfinger .

And thank you for your kind thoughts. I expect my grief to come in waves for some years, and burst to the surface at random times, that's the nature of it. 

I would describe the process of engaging in talk therapy to come to terms with DV, Stockholm Syndrome and being attached to an abuser as quite a sickening process. I felt very sickened by the science of it. It is just disgusting. But that explains why anyone from any type of background can become a victim. It truly isn't personal. It took me years to get there (I am 11 years post-abuse just to give you some perspective), and years to see how weak & pathetic they are. It doesn't happen over night, and it only happened because I persevered so marvelously. 

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

Thank you. I'm in really bad shape today, so just trying to make it through till tomorrow when I can ring my support worker in the morning. 

PF

[Powderfinger]

@Corny 

Grief is such a personal journey. Without support even harder. 

In reference to DV, I'm trying to remind myself that now the police order is in place till I get the restraining order on Tuesday, she can't communicate with me in any way or come near me. The absolute relief I feel is amazing when I remember it is in place. Yet, there is part of me that is still waiting for her next act of abuse. I still feel on edge. Like she will just turn up at my place unannounced. Or there will be an email waiting for me. Or she will do something, anything. 

My logic mind knows if she does they will go get her and they will put her in lock up. They are really strict about it here if someone breaks an order. I know she doesn't want to go to jail but her instability, her impulsivity and the fact that she is an abuser may just over ride that. I just don't want anymore abuse. I'm not changing my mind about the restraining order. She is not capable of stopping of her own accord and needs the law to tell her that she cannot do certain things. 

I know of Stockholm syndrome. I agree that it is sickening. It's also another part of abuse where victims see the humanity in the person who has been inhumane. That is so deeply psychologically damaging and can take years to undo that thinking. I have immense compassion for those that have endured Stockholm's syndrome. 

I'm not surprised it took you .any years to see how weak and pathetic they are. It's a hard road. I do hope you are so proud of yourself for going through that journey. It takes courage. Not everyone is brave enough to take it. 

I really can't wait till tomorrow. This happening over the weekend and having no support has made it worse. I can get in touch with my DV support worker tomorrow. My only friend is in Perth tomorrow. My housemate is FIFO so he is away working and I don't have any other friends I can call. I have no family at all. I just need to get through this day today then can have support tomorrow. Thanks for talking with me.