Red's house

[The-red-centaur]

I've been struggling with life again lately. I had some wins lately with getting of the antipsychotic, with moving into a new company and not hurting myself so far. It's just stuff is piling up in my head lately and I feel like no one gets it or is listening. I tried to call a helpline overnight and they just didn't seem to hear me out or even want to. 

I am really struggling to communicate my distress to my new support workers. I don't know how they will be able to help either. 

And I saw the pain specialist yesterday, and they were like yep, you're doing ok, you are doing the right things, etc. But I'm like no. I am in several pain and i need help. And it's like I just waited the 2 years to see them for nothing. I feel invalidated and alone.

I feel like no one understands me, no one hears me. I feel trapped, alone, shut down, and small. 

I don't know how to manage anything right now. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @The-red-centaur this must be really isolating not being understood or heard by those around you. 

It sounds like these thoughts piling up are becoming a bit overwhelming, and I get that it can be hard to articulate what's going on internally sometimes, but if it's something you're able to talk about here then we're here to listen. 

[The-red-centaur]

I feel sad, this house I just moved into the owners are selling soon. (My ndis company has it on lease) I just moved I don't want to move again. 

I'm also struggling with finding rest. I can't sleep or switch off. I feel in flight mode all the time and constantly restless. I feel stuck, I don't know if I can't keep up this face I feel like I have to wear. 

[Ru-bee]

Oh no, that's really frustrating hearing that you're going to need to move again so soon @The-red-centaur. I hope it's not too soon so that you get a bit of down time, but anticipating an upcoming move can be stressful too.

I'm wondering what you feel like would happen if you didn't keep up that face? 

[The-red-centaur]

@Ru-bee I'm sorry I never replied. I just don't know. 

I don't know how say 'help' 

[The-red-centaur]

Today is a 5 year anniversary of a major suicide attempt that left me permanently and significantly disabled. 

As much as I acknowledge how far I've come in those 5 years. It still hits me that my life doesn't feel worth it, that I don't think they should have bothered with saving my life, then and even now I don't think people should care about my life, I'm worthless useless and sick. And a leach on the government and social services. 

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur ,

I'm sorry to hear this is how you are feeling. It sounds like a very difficult time for you.

At the same time, we recognise your growth as well and your ambitions in terms of what you are wanting to achieve in life.

I hear how hard it is for you.

Please know you are not alone.

[Shaz51]

sitting with you @The-red-centaur and sending you lots of hugs my wonderful friend xx

[The-red-centaur]

@tyme my emotions are all over the place. I'm trying to allow space for all the different thoughts and feelings. 

It's just my life changed forever because of that moment. But I wouldn't be where I am recovery wise if I didn't happen. I am trying to remember that I am not the same person I was then. 

I am proud of myself. I've overcome a lot. But I'm also tired and worn out from trying and still trying to find my worth in everything 

[Shaz51]

I am proud of myself, --- we are so proud of you too @The-red-centaur 😍

and we still have all the emotions which still comes ups 

keep on keeping on my friend xx