Lived Experience Forum

[Katz42]

Hello people. I'm Katz42 because I like cats. I share a house with a cat who, like all cats, can be smoochy to bitey in the blink of an eye. I don't work anymore, because of my mental health issues. I suffer from (definitely suffering at the moment) from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When the mood takes me, I write poetry, mostly of the confessional type, like say Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath. Personally I prefer hard-hitting verse that generally doesn't rhyme. Usually I am surprised at how deep, sad and angry my writing can be, and what it shows is going on deep in my subconscious. I try to be kind, considerate and thoughful to everyone that I come into contact with. My core value is to help people. I describe myself as having a Buddhist heart, without actually being a practising Buddhist. My belief is that everybody should be treated the same, that no one is more special than anyone else. We are ALL special in our many different ways and should be treated as such. Obviously there are a few exceptions. I don't believe that Hitler, for example, was a normal person with his intense cruelty to others. I don't have children of my own, sadly, despite wanting them most of my life. Neither do I have family. At the moment I am friendless and desperately lonely. I see my psychologist weekly and my psychiatrist every couple of months. It helps! I also work hard, on my own to do things to improve the quality of my life. Right now, it seems that the more things that I try to implement into my life as "good things" something bad happens right on top. I realise that it is probably just my perception of events. I feel that there is no joy in my life now and I want to change that. I like various types of music, different sorts for different moods. At the moment old-style rap and hip-hop are my main thing. Well that's me.

[tyme]

Hey @Katz42 ,

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you are able to reach out and share a little about yourself. I hear how lonely life can be sometimes despite how much one tries to engage.

I have to agree that we are all special in our own way. It's about finding what makes us, us, and running with it. 

Please know we are here for you.

[Dimity]

Hi @Katz42 and welcome. 

Music cats and poetry... and aspiring to compassion and tolerance... all. resonate with me. And your perseverance.  We h Ave to hope and trust the good outnumbers the bad.

There's threads here for sharing poetry. 

Please know many of us are alone and lonely, and in that we have something to work on with each other's help.

[Asgard]

Hi @Katz42 

Hope this finds ye well, you mentioned that you feel lonely and some what friendless, well please note that you have now acquired an army of on-line friends.  The forums are a great place to chat about whats going on in your life, the good, the bad and the mweh!!!

So chat away to your hearts content, what type of cat do ye have, me I have 2, both gingers brothers and 2 completely different personalities.  

Tell us a bit more about yourself........Asgard

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Katz42 

Welcome to the forums.  I'm happy to meet a fellow cat lover here.  I could talk about them all day 😺

Your poetry sounds very interesting, I'd love to read it 🙂 Its amazing how having a creative outlet really taps into your subconscious and you can get out some of the things that you've been holding inside that in any other context would just stay with you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are lonely.  I hope that the connection here is able to help with that in some way.

You mentioned that there's no joy in your life at the moment and that is something that you want to change... what are some of the things that bring you joy?

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Katz42]

Thankyou.

[Katz42]

Thankyou. And also thanks for letting me know about the poetry threads.

[Katz42]

Thankyou. Unfortunately the cat "belongs" (as much as any cat does) to my housemate. The cat's name is Tom (original!) and he is also a ginger.

[Katz42]

Thankyou. I will try to get up the courage to post some of my poetry. I'll think about the joy thing.

[Katz42]

Hi @SkySeeker22. and everyone else who has mentioned my writing poetry. I hope to share some of my poetry on here sometime. As I think I said, my poetry is very confessional, in that it is brutally honest about the many traumas and how they've affected my mental health, in fact my whole life. Because I'm new here, and new to showing anybody my poetry, I feel quite vulnerable baring those deep and raw emotions, and my dark past. When I get to know people better, and hopefully feel better in myself, I should have the confidence to open that Pandora's box.

Joy in my life is 99.9% absent at the moment. No friends, no family, no partner. My housemate quite selfish and distant. My PTSD symptoms have been full on and I have felt too triggered, anxious, frightened and angry to cope with my support worker. I've had a respiratory virus, not covid, not influenza, and nothing more serious, but it has made me feel very unwell for a couple of months. I have only left the house a couple of times, both times to go to the doctor. I have severe cabin fever. When I say that I am lonely, I am. I am lonely for people to listen, understand and dare I wish it, care. My experience so far here on this forum has shown me that those sort of people exist and that it is not impossible that I will be heard and validated and liked.

Well I strayed from the topic there, meant that I have nobody to socialise with (not even phone, text, email, social media), too physically sick to go out places and do more interesting things, I'm poor as a church mouse so spending money to entertain myself isn't an option. Mostly though, my back and shoulder get unbearably painful very quickly doing most anything. I do like writing creative fiction. Sometimes it's for fun and sometimes it is venting. I considered using a dictaphone or similar, but the sound of my own voice just adds to all those self criticisms. I've tried typing with a keyboard at various heights etc, and adjusted the screen height experimenting with various levels. Tried standing at a standing desk. I know that I sound so negative about this, as though I am determined that nothing will help. Really though, I consider myself quite intelligent and a curious and lateral thinker, and I feel that I have thought of and tried every option. When given advice on this, appreciated as it is, unfortunately I had already been there, and done it. 

I am actually feeling pretty sad about my life, my existence, and so furious at "the universal ruling deities" because I don't know what I have done to deserve 56 years of misery and trauma. So I am sorry this got a lot heavier than when I started typing. Goodnight all. I need distraction from my negative thoughts. I will do the dishes.