Lived Experience Forum

[B_knuls]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to thank anyone in advance who is taking the time to read my post 

It has been a few years now since getting out of a 10 year dv 

I was able to draw the courage for my boxer and needed to keep her safe and get her out of there, as much as I couldn’t find the strength and worth for myself I could for her 

I fled the state and was found again so fled again, just to keep her safe 

Although I struggled with caring whether or not I deserved better I always knew that she did 

I put my everything into making her life the best, so often I wouldn’t even eat so she could have the best

not long after getting out she was diagnosed with a heart condition which meant she needed to be monitored 24/7 being at risk of heart failure and I did just that, I got cameras for her or puppy sitters so I could pay for everything for her health….anything for her 

a couple of years after that she was diagnosed with cancer…it was truly devastating…they told me I had 12 months left with her, it then turned into 3 months and she lasted not even 3 weeks 

I didn’t think her passing would bring up so much from my dv 

I’m so upset she is gone 

im so angry at myself for not getting out sooner 

im angry at my ex for everything she ever did to her and then pretending she cared so much

Im angry at my ex for exposing her innocent pure soul to things she never should have seen happening to her mum

she was by my side getting diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and would sleep next to me when I was sick, even as a puppy 

she saved my life and I feel like I failed her 

I feel like a piece of me died with her along with my purpose in life 

being her mum was the greatest achievement of my life

i miss her so much 

I apologise for what feels like a rant 

i just try so hard everyday doing all the things to get through grief 

I check all the boxes

getting up 

keep the house clean

study

work 

self help booked 

exercise 

music 

Asking for help 

it just is all weighing so heavy on me 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @B_knuls,

I'm truly sorry for the pain and loss you're experiencing. Your love and dedication to your boxer shine through your words, and it's clear that you provided her with the utmost care and love. It's understandable that her passing would bring up a flood of emotions, including anger and grief from your past experiences. Have you considered reaching out to a therapist/counsellor or support group specialising in trauma and grief? Sometimes, having a safe space to share your feelings and experiences can provide comfort and healing. Remember to be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. ❤️

[B_knuls]

Thank you so much for your reply

absolutely 

I pre-empted a while ago that this time would be devastating for me 

I have feared this time since my girl was quite young 

I reached out for help and have been on a waiting list for over a year to be triaged for a psychologist

im not sure what kind of psych they will be but I know I need help navigating these feelings and the effects of the trauma and grief I am experiencing 

I know there is so much I need guidance with 

I try to be kind it’s just been hard to get the overwhelming voice of my ex out of my head when it comes to everything 

I feel like I’m carrying a backpack of concrete and am psychologically on another planet 

[tyme]

Hey @B_knuls ,

That sounds so tough to have to live with.

I hear how hard it is. As much as you pre-empted things would be tough, did you do any planning to help you get through?

[B_knuls]

Yes 

I only lost my girl on the 8th of April 

I’ve been trying to get in to see a psych for a year  now 

[tyme]

HI there @B_knuls ,

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I hear how hard this is and the grief can really impact one's functioning.

At the same time, allow yourself to grieve. Give yourself permission to grieve. It is not 'wrong' to feel loss because loss is real.

Please know we are sitting with you.

We are here for you. 

[B_knuls]

Thank you 

I appreciate it so much 

I feel so guilty for grieving 

I see everyone moving on and getting on with life while I put on a happy face on the outside and feel stagnant internally 

How long is too long to grieve?