Lived Experience Forum

[Jenn4]

Hiya. I’m too awake to sleep but not awake enough to do anything apart from talk. Anyone keen to shoot the breeze? My name’s Jenn4 on here (I once gave Jennifer as my name to a ticket inspector before later in the conversation giving way to honesty and my heavy aversion to lying and giving him my real name. I copped a hefty fine for not having a concession in the state I was riding the train in, despite having one in my own state, and it doubled when I paid it late). 

I haven’t written here a very long time. The forums are good hey. They were good for me around the time I was first told I was bipolar (the term diagnosed doesn’t work for me because I don’t see myself as ill). I’ve felt like coming back here for a while now. 

I’ve been reflecting a lot in the past couple weeks about what my brain can do and what I want it to do. I bought some books on it. I’m getting back in touch with my brain. For a long time, several years now, on a run of meds, I have either been, or have considered myself to have either been, ‘not bipolar’ or discretely, incapacitatingly but at the same time not so severely, and run-of-the-mill, depressed. 

Because of a PRN med, I haven’t been getting very manic, (nor hypomanic - though I don’t like to make distinctions in mania or so, so I don’t so much use that term either). Tonight I haven’t taken it yet though. My usual apprehension is overcome by curiosity and want to explore with caution and prudence and my PRN sidekick, and hunger for energy and ability to think which I’ve not had in abundance these past few days. 

I want to check out my brain more. I want to put in some hard yards and not bank on meds to make my life easy. /boring. I actually don’t want an easy, or a boring, life. I’ve decided to take psychology a lot more seriously and respectfully than I have been. I hope to see a psychologist who is bipolar. I want to see what my brain can do afresh. I’m excited.

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Jenn4,

It's great to hear from you! I am sorry that you couldn't get enough sleep last night.

The forums really are a good place for connecting and sharing experiences. ❤️

Your journey with understanding your brain sounds fascinating and brave. How have you been finding the books you bought? Are there any insights that have stood out to you so far?

It’s awesome that you’re feeling excited about exploring what your brain can do. That curiosity and willingness to dig deeper into your own mind is really inspiring. What are you most looking forward to as you take this new approach?

[Jenn4]

Thanks @lavenderhaze ! I ended up getting 4 hours sleep, which isn't bad! I was a little bit spacey that day, but overall it was a very good and productive day. The best day by far I've had in about 10 days according to my journal (I keep a journal now! I've always hated keeping a journal, but my psychiatrist cleverly tricked me, we negotiated that I could try keeping a weekly one, but then I found myself making notes during the week to know what to write on the Sunday, and then I was like, I may as well keep a daily diary. It's good! Sometimes I backfill it for a few days and sometimes I write everyday). Since then I've been good too. Still only getting about 5 hours sleep a night, but I think we'll be good I think 

Thankyou, it is fascinating and it does require bravery. 💪 Hehe. Most of the books are in the post still, I'm excited for them to arrive (engage Hermione Grainger mode). As I've been reading about them online I've been encouraged to try and get out of my comfort zone more and be more comfortable and feel more capable when I'm depressed but not too depressed, and manic but not too manic. It's really great and encouraging and validating. I also have been reading a book that jumped out at me when it was on display at the library, I wasn't looking for it (likewise a beautiful picture book called Bipolar Bear, which I can super highly recommend), it's about the concept that we all, all of us, live in a neurodiversity, and that's a great thing! And we should never be ashamed of being 'different' because we're all different, and often the problems we encounter (not always but often) are from not fitting the silly, rigid mould we have in Western society. All the books are: 'we're all neurodiverse'; 'A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness'; 'The Bipolar Advantage'; 'The Bell Jar'; and 'Exuberance, The Passion for LIFE'. Full Hermione Grainger hehe. I'm excited.

I'm excited to learn more, learn more about the breadth of human joy and suffering from bipolar great Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar, I've never read her before apart from maybe a very small amount of her poetry. I'm excited to learn more about leaders who are or were bipolar in A First-Rate Madness. Leadership I think is an underrated and underspoken about correlation with bipolar. The creativity one folk love to talk about but not as much the ambition and leadership. When I first found out I was bipolar one of the first things I did was google who successful bipolar people, and I found that super comforting. I'm not very creative really so I feel a little left out sometimes (though it's beautiful to see!) when folk focus on creativity and bipolar, I love focusing on ambition and leadership too, which check out so well with what it's like to be bipolar. 

Thankyou @8ppleTree and @defaultusername for your support and listening and @lavenderhaze for your response!